adorablemarie:

It began on Monday. A week where I knew I was going to be busy, trying to get my bearings and teeth into a new part of the project that’s going to consume the rest of my year. Mondays have become soft of a “Marie’s movie night” for me. I got done with work headed to A Simple Favor in the theater. Two actresses that I enjoy watching: Anna Kendrick and Blake Lively, directed by Paul Feig. I had seen some real mediocre movies in the last couple weeks and I was looking forward to this.

The movie was good, had a lot of twists and turns in it that were believable and dark humor in just the right places. It’s worth a watch, but I kept noticing Blake Lively’s outfits. I was comparing myself to these two co-lead actresses. I’m much closer to Blake’s character’s style than Kendrick’s. She’s over the top and take-charge and flippant about it. Wearing suits and ties, but in a way that’s still femme as hell.

Thinking in the bar after the movie while I had an after-movie drink, I made a realization; I’d been identifying with the actresses in this movie more than I had in a long time. Most of the time I can get partway there but not as close as I got last Monday. Part of it was that the story wasn’t fantasy or sci-fi but set in present day and close to reality, but it felt a lot more real.

“I think I’d look good in an outfit like that.” The seed had been planted in my mind by a particular scene where Lively was in boots, tight leather leggings, a button up shirt and a coat. I planned it out on Tuesday and made the minor adjustments. Switched out the boots for red heels.. I was nervous going out the door Wednesday morning, or was it excited?

It didn’t feel like it at the time, but I was testing something. Throughout the last year, it’s felt like I was close, but not quite there. When I started transition, my outfits started with just a little bit that I knew looked right. I got a lot of compliments on how well I dressed. It was because they were curated, looked over, tested. I knew how I wanted to look; trying some things just looked.. off. They didn’t make it out the door. I kept exploring that space piece by piece, revealing a little bit more casual, a little bit more fancy, but it was always from the lens of the trans feminine: Do I still look like a woman?

Wednesday I walked out the door and wasn’t concerned with that. I was trying a new style. I was relieved and freed. I knew I looked like a woman. Would people think it looked good on me? Did I execute the style well, did the style work for Marie? It is the best feeling to just have had the thought – “I could do that, it would probably look good.” – and execute on it. Even when it’s a step away from the traditionally femme into pants and a coat. Without any thought that I would look like the woman I am.

It probably wasn’t hurt by the half dozen people who complimented me on the outfit. Or even by the random guy in a delivery truck that honked at me on my walk to get my attention – in my walking flats I keep at the office (my toes thank me). It struck me on Thursday that for more than a whole day, there was zero doubt in my mind that I was being treated like a woman. Zero people othered me into some not-woman box, and it was fucking amazing. I want that all the time.

I’m not sure if it was the trying of the new thing, or the way that I was approaching it, or that I succeeded at something that I’ve been hoping I could do for a long time. Somehow it just worked. It can happen. That’s the best thing, and I’m still euphoric about it. I was practically hugging everyone virtually all Thursday.

It makes me really optimistic about trying out the new style that I’ve been looking for recently. Even if it doesn’t really work out. It could be too uncomfortable, too out there, or just fall flat. It will just be me, trying something new, and not trying to push myself into something that makes me acceptable for someone else. It’s about my style, not my identity. That feels good.